Monday, December 6, 2010

Old Entries, Old Blog: Craziness 3

i remember i was in some room...with all these people i didn't know..and then in a kitchenette with David and Curtis and Curtis says "it's like i know you already" and then i woke up and fell asleep into a different dream where i was in this gang of people and one of us died and so we were all sad (it was me, elena, tina, dom and somebody else) and we met some other gang and they were tauting us
about our friend's death so we ended up fighting them and i killed one with a gun...and then that gang followed me through all these maze-like halls because now they were as sad as me over a death of their friend and i remember telling this story to my parents in the dream
and then i had a sex dream about a friend

my mind is playing tricks on me

We Always Make Excuses for the Ones We Care About

This is just something we do, I think, to other people to make ourselves look what we do with our friends and relationships. I mean, why do we defend someone who hurts us so much?
After you told me what he was like...I can understand why you were so overwhelmed when you went from him to emotional talks turned him off or bothered him...and how I am all too open to have them...and how he admitted love the way he did...and then the way I did...and no me - Mr French Speaking, poetry writing, guitar playing, love-doer. I can understand being overwhelmed now. Now I have some more information.
I can see why you were afraid of it all...of 'me'. I'm so set on these things...they mean a lot to me...and it's not even something you're comfortable with...yet...I guess. I know romantic love. I embrace it, I suppose sometimes too/more readily than I ought to, but that's me.
I'm just as confused as you ABOUT love, though...
This is just how it can feel for me sometimes;- That I seem like a good idea at the time...but that I'm so easy to fall out of love with. I fall and I fall hard...I'm broken and I know it. Fun fact. I'm sure that's now how you see it, and wish I didn't even think of that - and believe me, it's not an attack on you.

And I just hurt my foot and feel nauseas.

You were so used to being the one that cared more that maybe now it just seemed too easy...I don't know. Just a front you were used to putting up or something? I don't have answers. I don't even have good questions.
I do care a lot about you, and never you forget it, and I'm still around because I care. I want to help. I want to be there. That's who I am.
Listening to you defend him, though, just made me realize - is that what I was like defending you to my friends? And they looked at me judgingly, saying things like I shouldn't bother. We defend because we know both sides to the story. We know the person we are defending. So the people we tell it to only get our side, mostly the bad things, and they are trying to defend US. We feel like they are attacking the person we are defending, but they are merely running off of things we have said and are trying to defend us. We don't want to listen to these objective opinions because, in a sense, they're not. I imagine, these days, what it's like on two sides of an argument.
Like, if someone tells me that they're significant other ignores them too much, is pushing them away, we naturally stick up for our friend. But what's the other side? Does the significant other go to their friend and say, "they won't leave me time to myself?" and THEIR friends will stick up for THEM. Two sides to every story.
The things that go wrong shape us more than the things that go right. Even though that pain is a sucky part of life, it's something we need to deal with. We all wish we could start again but we shouldn't because then we'd be someone else with a different life, and you might end up missing your old life. Things happen the way they do because we make choices, not always the right ones, but they're made because that's what we think we should do at the time. We may be wrong, but then we learn. We learn.
The hardest thing to do is to let go. I know that. You know that. But the time will come when we all do. That is the OTHER part of life, the one we tend to forget and are not able to see as easily - things DO get better, we DO get over things - with strength from all sources.

I know this was a pointless rant, but I guess it helps to vent the brain sometimes. And it's strange how quickly it turned into a philosophical rant...looking for answers, RE: excuses...and there I go again - excuses for us all.

"Cut the protesting, forget the excuses, we need information, get up off the floor"

No comments:

Post a Comment