Monday, December 6, 2010

Old Entries, Old Blod: Craziness

Treasuring the moments where I can laugh like Tyler Durden.
Hearing the voices in my head as nothing more than sweet thoughts and colourful dreams.
I feel an odd connection to nature and the little things.
Raise your glass to love.
Show your inner beauty.
The world is shiny like a glass orb.
You should read this acrostically.

On Jetlag sucks.

It's 5.30am here and I can't sleep. Life is made that little bit harder with the addition of one roommate - who is a 50ish year old man with a terrible cough and I just pray I don't get sick. It's amazing how reduced the things are you can do with a roommate like that. I just wish I had foreign students who spoke some english and wanted to go sightseeing together. I also found out I only have 2 tshirts and a couple of shirts rather than the other way around and I don't have a towel. Showering was strange.
It's amazing how difficult it is to kill a couple of hours when you're bored and you know nothing is open outside, and even if things ARE open, you don't know what they are...or WHERE they are. And this keyboard has swapped the position of the Y and the Z keys and I can't seem to access the "at"'s in the bottom corner of the Q key and I don't know how to get it...stupid Deutsch keyboards.
Anyway, today I hope to get out to the Erotik Museum, though walking in this cold is really unbearable - mum was right, this coat is insufficient. And I seemed to have lost my beanie...and there's no "colon" I can't do sad faces!! Agh! Maybe I'll get out to the Holocaust Memorial today too...but we'll see...I just want to fill my days, but it's a lot harder when you haven't met anyone to do anything with.
I also wish I spoke German.

Raise Your Glass To...
Raise your glass to missing someone even though you just saw them that day.
Raise your glass to finding something you've been looking for for a long time.
Raise your glass to finally finding a place to stay overseas on exchange and it's not too expensive.
Raise your glass to people who have something to fight for.
Raise your glass to women with minds, which makes them sexier more than anything else.
Raise your glass to something more than something.
Raise your glass to turning someone's frown upside down.
Raise your glass to standing in the morning sunshine in a cool breeze or sitting on the balcony.
Raise your glass to everything and everyone that makes you happy and to how lucky you feel to have them near you.
So what are you waiting for?
Raise. Your. Glass.

"Maybe God is just a chemical fiction"
"Maybe there is a God above...?"
"[Religion] unnecessary, in our expanding global culture of efficiency"

When I go to synagogue, do I go because I feel like I am close to God, or because I like the singing? It has educated me on some very Judaic Pagan Pantheistic ways which I adore - finding God and the Divine in nature and in the commonplace - but does that really mean God to me, or is it more the finding of everyday miracles like the wind or the sunset making this world more amazing and seem less controlled and planned? I was having a discussion with Anna about this, and I agree in the end that thinking that God is creating these miracles makes them seem less miraculous as it implies someone or something has had a hand in making them, rather than an everyday miracle just happening - which makes the world seem more beautiful.
I'm confronting the fact that I think I am going to synagogue to feel closer to my people, to my heritage, to my history, as this interests me very much. It's not that I feel any particular connection to the God that they discuss or engage with, but rather the singing brings me my own sense of divinity and soothes me. I take pride in looking around at the community of Jews knowing what we have stood against. And I find the amazing beauty in the colours of a sunset no painter could do justice and no photo capture, and in the wind no one can describe the feeling of - these things are divine and not necessarily a Godly sense, but in a greater-than-me-because-it's-beautiful sense.
Religion does kind of anger me as a result of what it does to people and I think I took refuge in the concept of a God because it makes me feel more comfortable than the idea of a complete nothingness.

"Never believe a Jew who says he doesn't believe in God."

This resonates with me also. I am spiritually confused because of this - what am I? What kind of Jew am I if I don't believe when survivors of concentration camps like Eli Wiesel and many countless others never wavered in their faith? I am a Jew by chance - a Jew by heritage - but am I really Jew by choice as well? I mean, I readily identify as being Jewish and embrace many of the teachings of Judaism, but I am still unsure about God and about his/her/its presence. I pray because I have nowhere else to turn and it becomes more of a monologue to myself to voice my problems, spell them out for myself so I can sort through them, rather than a turn for expected aide from a higher power.

"And they call it God's love..."

I recently saw a comic at which is a webcomic I track, here is the link. And I certainly agree with what it's saying because at times like this, it's hard to believe.

End transmission - I've bitched enough.

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