"In a move that has religious fanatics reeling, the CDC has announced it has made, for the moment, small breakthroughs in the research on the plague known as Spontaneous Resurrection and Violent Frenzy Syndrome (SRVF), otherwise known as Lazarus Syndrome, that struck the globe within the last month.
The pathogen, still undetermined to be natural or man-made, swept the globe in a panic, causing governments to close borders as a result of unconfirmed information concerning its spreadability. As yet, the cause and spread of Lazarus Syndrome is unknown, but the CDC is confident it can quarantine and eradicate the disease.
'As yet, there is no hurdle the human race cannot overcome,' said CDC CEO Brendon Forbes.
'We will overcome this like we have smallpox, polio and the bubonic plague.'
Others, however, are not so sure.
'This is a punishment sent from God,' Reverend Jebediah Meekes stated at a rally last Thursday.
'We are all subject to his wrath. We cannot fight the Lord's will!'
Even other, non-religious people take objections to the CDC's confidence.
'We have no idea what causes this or how it spreads,' says a pathologist and epidemiologist who prefers to remain anonymous.
'We shouldn't be so gung ho. Our hubris is astounding at this point. We know nothing of this disease, its source or anything of the kind. All we know is what it does to us - and it's already done that to a third of the global population, 200 million of whom were in the United States alone!'
'We are in the middle of an extinction event.'
Others have taken the news as cause to celebrate, with spontaneous parties taking place in the streets across the globe - mostly on college campuses. Most prominent are signs sporting slogans such as "Earth is for the Living" and "The Dead Should Stay Dead".
As yet, there has been no word on when a possible cure or preventative will become available, nor what to do should you or a loved one become infected. For the time being, destroying the brain is still the only option."
- News Daily, September 22, 2012.