Automaton Noir
The beginning of a Film Noir Detective story with a robot detective - Rob is not the robot detective, I haven't introduced the robot yet:
Rob is seen hiding behind some crates. It is raining. A harsh streetlight shines on him. A bullet blows a corner off a crate near him.
“Come on, Rob, you’e done this before.”
2 more bullets hit the crates.
“…and that’s six.”
Rob leans over the top and fires several times. A bullet goes through a crate and hits the perp. Rob goes to stand over him – his body lying in a pool of his own blood.
“Ahh…shit.”
Rob is in the Chief’s office.
“That’s the seventh one in a month, Rob, what the hell is going on with you? We can’t get any goddamn information on these fucking creeps’ boss if you keep shooting them!”
“You think I don’t know that? Maybe if they stopped pulling guns on me, I’d stop shooting them!”
2 panels identical. One shows the two sitting in silence. The second has them with a bit more of a smile. The next panel has them laughing.
“Shit, Rob…go home…get some rest. I know you don’t need to see the shrink for pulling your weapon, but don’t go acting all macho, okay?”
“Chief, do I ever?”
Rob is at home and dials the phone. It rings out onto the answering machine, “Hi, you’ve reached William Lydell, I’m obviously not home, so leave a message after the beep.” BEEP!
“Hey Will, it’s your brother, remember me? It’s been like a month since we’ve spoken properly. I’ve called a bunch a times. You must be working on something really big this time, huh? Ah well, gimme a call.”
Rob hangs up. Slouches into the couch, turns on TV. Falls asleep.
Next day. Lighting shining in through the blinds in the window onto Rob’s face.
Automaton Noir Update
I've decided to swap the names of the brothers. Because I want to call the robot RoBert or something like that, RoboRT. So, would it be weird to have the two main characters with the same name? The brother could have named it after his brother for something. Cop is Rob and robot is Robo or something. Hmm...
The idea is kind of from Penny Arcade
Monday, December 6, 2010
Poems
Guilty hands build my world.
I'm not what you imagine and I never will be.
Though you softly dream of me,
it isn't really me that is there - I'm somewhere far off in a place you can't imagine in a place you don't know
exists
my best laid plans are mazed networks for you
barbed wire fences you can't scale
and your ideas are
invisible to me
because they don't exist
they you and me that is a fairytaledream is no more and you did it so you can't
cry.
How Many Times
I've watched you walk away so many
times
why isn't it easier now?
i've even seen you walk towards me and it's
still hard
because when i look at you i think
of everything we had
i see your eyes
those same eyes
nothing ever really changed and you know it
just admit it
that car
the same car
i'm tired of seeing it drive off down the street as i
walk through my front door
i just wanna stay with you for a whole night again
i just...
I'm not what you imagine and I never will be.
Though you softly dream of me,
it isn't really me that is there - I'm somewhere far off in a place you can't imagine in a place you don't know
exists
my best laid plans are mazed networks for you
barbed wire fences you can't scale
and your ideas are
invisible to me
because they don't exist
they you and me that is a fairytaledream is no more and you did it so you can't
cry.
How Many Times
I've watched you walk away so many
times
why isn't it easier now?
i've even seen you walk towards me and it's
still hard
because when i look at you i think
of everything we had
i see your eyes
those same eyes
nothing ever really changed and you know it
just admit it
that car
the same car
i'm tired of seeing it drive off down the street as i
walk through my front door
i just wanna stay with you for a whole night again
i just...
Unfinished Story (that's now a script)
“You’re late.” Harvey said as he got down onto his knees.
“How the fuck would you know? Now shut up.” Derek said, cocking the hammer of the gun and aiming it at Harvey.
“Don’t I get any last words?” Harvey asked with a strange calm.
“If you’re not careful, those will be them.” Derek said smiling with malice.
They stood like that for some time, Harvey on his knees and Derek standing in front of him, his weight on his forward right foot, his right arm raised aiming the Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum, his eyes on the wall clock just over his left shoulder.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Harvey asked, cocking his head with curiosity.
“Shut up!” Derek spat as he eyed the clock and uncocked the gun aimed at Harvey’s forehead. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and sat down on a nearby stool, pulling it towards him with his foot.
“Anything the matter?” Harvey asked, seemingly concerned.
“Nothin’s wrong, I just gotta wait is all.” Derek said, crossing one leg over the other in an attempt to look nonchalant, but betraying his sense of nervousness by tapping his foot and darting his eyes between Harvey and the clock every few seconds.
“You seem nervous,” Harvey said, “Can offer you something to eat or drink? A cigarette?” Derek glared at him from his seat with heated contempt, “No fucking food, no fucking drink…but I’ll take one of them cigs.”
“Front pocket.” Harvey said. Derek leaned forward and ripped off the front pocket of Harvey’s shirt, taking with it the new pack of cigarettes. Derek tore these open and withdrew a cigarette and put it to his mouth, “Light?” he said gruffly.
“Left pocket.” Harvey said and Derek searched Harvey’s pockets for the lighter, but came up with matches. Derek lit the cigarette and the end glowed red, the smell of the burning phosphorous filling the small room as the swirl of tobacco smoke floated towards the ceiling. They sat there for some time in silence, Derek with his cigarette hanging loosely from his lips, ash falling like snow onto his worn black jeans, right leg crossed over the left and tapping at air; Harvey on his knees, his hands behind his head, not a bead of sweat marking his face.
“So,” Harvey said after some time, “can I ask what it is you’re waiting for? You have ample time to kill me and leave, probably taking most of my valuable with me – I live alone so there’s no chance of someone stopping you from upstairs.”
“Don’t you think I know that? I ain’t waitin’ ‘coz I wanna. I’m waitin’ ‘coz them’s the terms of the deal.” Derek scratched his three day beard absently, his broken nails making a grating sound in the penetrating silence. Harvey eyed Derek. He wasn’t a tall man – five foot ten at most – he had short, greasy, messy hair which looked untamable and his eyes were a deep brown. He was probably handsome at a time, but what seemed like a lifetime of unhappiness had taken all the life out of his face leaving it a mass of wrinkles covered lightly with a harsh beard. Harvey thought he saw a distinct sadness in his eyes, as they looked constantly moist with tears – like Tom Cruise’s – but that could have been because of the cigarette smoke or how nervous he was. Derek noticed Harvey eying him and as he did, Harvey smiled. Derek began sizing up Harvey, a dark skinned, middle aged man who had aged seemingly well but was maybe a kilo or two overweight. His black hair was cropped short and he had dark eyes, hidden behind and magnified by his rimless wire glasses which sat lightly on his face. He had what Derek thought was a kind face, but quickly shook his head of the thought. Derek looked down at the gun in his hand. It was a heavy, steel gun with a six bullet wheel, a .357. The gun he had been given for the job. It was such a big gun which could apparently blow a man’s whole head off. It seemed unnecessary to Derek, but he didn’t think twice about it when he took it, when the man had called over the phone told him to look in his bedroom where he found polaroids of his wife and daughter duct taped and lying on a stone floor.
“What exactly are we waiting for?” Harvey said, waking Derek from his thoughts.
“If you gotta know, three a.m. We gotta wait for three a.m.” Derek said, annoyed.
“Three a.m.? But why? You have me now.”
“That’s just what the guy said is all,” Derek said, now angry with himself for having revealed information about the man on the phone, “and he said to get you and wait until three a.m. to kill you, no earlier and no later, or he’d know.” Derek shrugged, “Make’s no difference to me, either way you end up on the floor pooled in blood and I get paid.” Derek felt his cheeks flush as he was thought too much about things. Talking too much. The man had left a polaroid of Harvey, too.
“Kill him at three a.m. and you get your family back, and ten thousand dollars,” he had said, “no earlier or later than three a.m., I will know. Don’t test me.” And then he hung up.
“If we’re going to be waiting here for another two hours,” Harvey said, once more waking Derek from his thoughts, “May I take my hands down from behind my head? I imagine they’ll get quite cramped and painful and I’d at least like to be mildly comfortable for the last two hours of my life. It shouldn’t make any difference to you.” Derek eyed Harvey for a moment and the things which were near him. He was in the centre of the small room, with nothing of worth within arm’s reach for a weapon, “Sure. Why not?” Derek said finally and Harvey lowered his hands, rubbing his wrists and forearms.
“So, if I may ask, why exactly have you been sent to kill me?” Harvey asked.
“I think the real fuckin’ question,” Derek snapped back, “is why the fuck were you expectin’ me to?”
“A good question. I wasn’t. Not tonight, really. But for some time.” Was Harvey’s cryptic response.
“So why the fuck were you expectin’ this to happen, then?” Derek could feel his palms sweating as he asked this.
“I answered one of your questions, now it’s your turn. Why have you been sent to kill me?”
“I don’t know,” Derek said, his voice flat, “just some fella wants you dead, an’ he’s payin’ me to do it. S’nothin’ personal ‘tween me an’ you.”
“I’d say there’s nothing more personal than this.” This comment made Derek shift uneasily on his stool, “Do you know who sent you?”
“Nope, an’ that suits me fine.” Derek fiddled with the gun, switching the safety on and off.
“You haven’t done this before.” Harvey said, causing Derek to tense.
“’Course I have! Don’t you fuckin’ challenge me! Shut the fuck up!” Derek jumped to his feet, taking aim at the focal point of Harvey’s glasses, his hand shaking.
“No, you haven’t, but that’s okay,” Harvey continued, “no need to feel bad about it. Not many people can do a job like this. There must be something more than just the money pushing you into a job like this.” The sound of his wife trying to push words through duct tape exploded into Derek’s mind.
“I got my reasons. Why was you waitin’ for this to happen?”
“Because I’ve done some things which may have made me some enemies.”
“You in the army or something?”
“No.”
“Air force?”
“No.”
“Navy?”
“No. I’m an accountant.” Derek began to laugh a deep laugh which wheezed from years of smoking, “I guess that’s the new army, isn’t it?” He said and continued to laugh. Harvey just smiled. Derek sighed after his laugh and was hit with a vision of his daughter strapped down and he sobered up quickly.
“How the fuck would you know? Now shut up.” Derek said, cocking the hammer of the gun and aiming it at Harvey.
“Don’t I get any last words?” Harvey asked with a strange calm.
“If you’re not careful, those will be them.” Derek said smiling with malice.
They stood like that for some time, Harvey on his knees and Derek standing in front of him, his weight on his forward right foot, his right arm raised aiming the Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum, his eyes on the wall clock just over his left shoulder.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Harvey asked, cocking his head with curiosity.
“Shut up!” Derek spat as he eyed the clock and uncocked the gun aimed at Harvey’s forehead. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and sat down on a nearby stool, pulling it towards him with his foot.
“Anything the matter?” Harvey asked, seemingly concerned.
“Nothin’s wrong, I just gotta wait is all.” Derek said, crossing one leg over the other in an attempt to look nonchalant, but betraying his sense of nervousness by tapping his foot and darting his eyes between Harvey and the clock every few seconds.
“You seem nervous,” Harvey said, “Can offer you something to eat or drink? A cigarette?” Derek glared at him from his seat with heated contempt, “No fucking food, no fucking drink…but I’ll take one of them cigs.”
“Front pocket.” Harvey said. Derek leaned forward and ripped off the front pocket of Harvey’s shirt, taking with it the new pack of cigarettes. Derek tore these open and withdrew a cigarette and put it to his mouth, “Light?” he said gruffly.
“Left pocket.” Harvey said and Derek searched Harvey’s pockets for the lighter, but came up with matches. Derek lit the cigarette and the end glowed red, the smell of the burning phosphorous filling the small room as the swirl of tobacco smoke floated towards the ceiling. They sat there for some time in silence, Derek with his cigarette hanging loosely from his lips, ash falling like snow onto his worn black jeans, right leg crossed over the left and tapping at air; Harvey on his knees, his hands behind his head, not a bead of sweat marking his face.
“So,” Harvey said after some time, “can I ask what it is you’re waiting for? You have ample time to kill me and leave, probably taking most of my valuable with me – I live alone so there’s no chance of someone stopping you from upstairs.”
“Don’t you think I know that? I ain’t waitin’ ‘coz I wanna. I’m waitin’ ‘coz them’s the terms of the deal.” Derek scratched his three day beard absently, his broken nails making a grating sound in the penetrating silence. Harvey eyed Derek. He wasn’t a tall man – five foot ten at most – he had short, greasy, messy hair which looked untamable and his eyes were a deep brown. He was probably handsome at a time, but what seemed like a lifetime of unhappiness had taken all the life out of his face leaving it a mass of wrinkles covered lightly with a harsh beard. Harvey thought he saw a distinct sadness in his eyes, as they looked constantly moist with tears – like Tom Cruise’s – but that could have been because of the cigarette smoke or how nervous he was. Derek noticed Harvey eying him and as he did, Harvey smiled. Derek began sizing up Harvey, a dark skinned, middle aged man who had aged seemingly well but was maybe a kilo or two overweight. His black hair was cropped short and he had dark eyes, hidden behind and magnified by his rimless wire glasses which sat lightly on his face. He had what Derek thought was a kind face, but quickly shook his head of the thought. Derek looked down at the gun in his hand. It was a heavy, steel gun with a six bullet wheel, a .357. The gun he had been given for the job. It was such a big gun which could apparently blow a man’s whole head off. It seemed unnecessary to Derek, but he didn’t think twice about it when he took it, when the man had called over the phone told him to look in his bedroom where he found polaroids of his wife and daughter duct taped and lying on a stone floor.
“What exactly are we waiting for?” Harvey said, waking Derek from his thoughts.
“If you gotta know, three a.m. We gotta wait for three a.m.” Derek said, annoyed.
“Three a.m.? But why? You have me now.”
“That’s just what the guy said is all,” Derek said, now angry with himself for having revealed information about the man on the phone, “and he said to get you and wait until three a.m. to kill you, no earlier and no later, or he’d know.” Derek shrugged, “Make’s no difference to me, either way you end up on the floor pooled in blood and I get paid.” Derek felt his cheeks flush as he was thought too much about things. Talking too much. The man had left a polaroid of Harvey, too.
“Kill him at three a.m. and you get your family back, and ten thousand dollars,” he had said, “no earlier or later than three a.m., I will know. Don’t test me.” And then he hung up.
“If we’re going to be waiting here for another two hours,” Harvey said, once more waking Derek from his thoughts, “May I take my hands down from behind my head? I imagine they’ll get quite cramped and painful and I’d at least like to be mildly comfortable for the last two hours of my life. It shouldn’t make any difference to you.” Derek eyed Harvey for a moment and the things which were near him. He was in the centre of the small room, with nothing of worth within arm’s reach for a weapon, “Sure. Why not?” Derek said finally and Harvey lowered his hands, rubbing his wrists and forearms.
“So, if I may ask, why exactly have you been sent to kill me?” Harvey asked.
“I think the real fuckin’ question,” Derek snapped back, “is why the fuck were you expectin’ me to?”
“A good question. I wasn’t. Not tonight, really. But for some time.” Was Harvey’s cryptic response.
“So why the fuck were you expectin’ this to happen, then?” Derek could feel his palms sweating as he asked this.
“I answered one of your questions, now it’s your turn. Why have you been sent to kill me?”
“I don’t know,” Derek said, his voice flat, “just some fella wants you dead, an’ he’s payin’ me to do it. S’nothin’ personal ‘tween me an’ you.”
“I’d say there’s nothing more personal than this.” This comment made Derek shift uneasily on his stool, “Do you know who sent you?”
“Nope, an’ that suits me fine.” Derek fiddled with the gun, switching the safety on and off.
“You haven’t done this before.” Harvey said, causing Derek to tense.
“’Course I have! Don’t you fuckin’ challenge me! Shut the fuck up!” Derek jumped to his feet, taking aim at the focal point of Harvey’s glasses, his hand shaking.
“No, you haven’t, but that’s okay,” Harvey continued, “no need to feel bad about it. Not many people can do a job like this. There must be something more than just the money pushing you into a job like this.” The sound of his wife trying to push words through duct tape exploded into Derek’s mind.
“I got my reasons. Why was you waitin’ for this to happen?”
“Because I’ve done some things which may have made me some enemies.”
“You in the army or something?”
“No.”
“Air force?”
“No.”
“Navy?”
“No. I’m an accountant.” Derek began to laugh a deep laugh which wheezed from years of smoking, “I guess that’s the new army, isn’t it?” He said and continued to laugh. Harvey just smiled. Derek sighed after his laugh and was hit with a vision of his daughter strapped down and he sobered up quickly.
Old Crap Again
On Dreams...
Dreams are seriously fucked. They've been so odd lately.
Kissing some girl I know in a blizzard of falling snow.
Dreaming of a very sexual, non-existent sister, "Why is it exactly we don't fuck?" she said. I don't recognize her either.
What the fuck?
There have been so many weird dreams...
Songs for Life
"I never knew that it was over when I met you" - Over When I Met You, The Camels
"Take me away, I'm gonna hurt somebody...how could she say, she wanted more, you, better" - Take Me Away, Plain White T's
"When you gonna work out that I'm all you ever needed...I'm never gonna find another woman that I want" - All You Ever Needed, The Camels
"Summertime is when I look into your eyes" - Summertime, The Camels
"Romance...does it happen when you slow dance? is it in your head or is it in your pants? Romance!" - Romance, The Camels
"All the times we've had..." - Times We've Had, The Camels
"I've become so numb...I don't know what you're expecting of me" - Numb, Linkin Park
"This may sound a little fucked, don't wanna fall in love!" - Don't Wanna Fall in Love, Green Day
"Nothing perfect can remain forever" - Nothing Perfect Remains, Jordan King-Lacroix
"Smiles and her laughter, she's the only thing that I've been waiting for." - Emily, From First to Last
"If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end" - Swing Life Away, Rise Against
"The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else" - No Mercy for Swine, The Cherry Poppin' Daddies
"Now you're nothing but a picture and 1000 Memories" - 1000 Memories, Bad Religion
"So you're feeling unimportant, 'coz you've got nothing to say" - Slumber, Bad Religion
"I'm just a loser with no self-esteem"- Self Esteem, The Offspring
"15 years getting loaded, 15 years 'til his liver exploded" - Bob, NOFX
"Deep inside your soul there's a hole you don't wanna see...even though I try I can't get my head around you" - (Can't Get My) Head Around You, The Offspring
"Baby I got you on my mind...you'll never know, how much I need you by my side." - (Baby I Got You) On My Mind, Powderfinger
"There's a place for us sitting here waiting for the sun, and it calls me back into the safe arms that I know" - Waiting for the Sun, Powderfinger
"Who's next?" - Who's Next?, Tom Lehrer
Second (I think) LJ Poem (ed. it was like the 5th)
big night last night,
(you know)
heavy falling waters
endoftheworld rain down noisy crash
on a bus i can'
t get on for the sake of the
payment
i wondered why i was bothering to
see
you
a twisted turning confession
in the recesses of my mind confirming i was
blind to the things that lay inside
we talked
and wined
and ate
and played
and ended u
p
on
the couch
with my hand behind your neck and your
hair over
my hand
i leaned you in close to me and you sure didn'
t pull back
our lips almost met but they didn'
t and that'
s almost what made the (non)kiss better
a tease of the lips and almost touch of the tongue
the look in your eyes and the
shine in mine
forehead to forehead we lay bizarre
encircled by inappropriateness
i remember you when you were young
and you remember me the same
i would watch you when your parents were away
and now you'
ve grown into a beautiful young woman
and it sure feels strange to know and see and be on the couch
lying down with you and almost kiss you in a way that...
i'
m going home,
walk me through the rain?
and you do.
Dreams are seriously fucked. They've been so odd lately.
Kissing some girl I know in a blizzard of falling snow.
Dreaming of a very sexual, non-existent sister, "Why is it exactly we don't fuck?" she said. I don't recognize her either.
What the fuck?
There have been so many weird dreams...
Songs for Life
"I never knew that it was over when I met you" - Over When I Met You, The Camels
"Take me away, I'm gonna hurt somebody...how could she say, she wanted more, you, better" - Take Me Away, Plain White T's
"When you gonna work out that I'm all you ever needed...I'm never gonna find another woman that I want" - All You Ever Needed, The Camels
"Summertime is when I look into your eyes" - Summertime, The Camels
"Romance...does it happen when you slow dance? is it in your head or is it in your pants? Romance!" - Romance, The Camels
"All the times we've had..." - Times We've Had, The Camels
"I've become so numb...I don't know what you're expecting of me" - Numb, Linkin Park
"This may sound a little fucked, don't wanna fall in love!" - Don't Wanna Fall in Love, Green Day
"Nothing perfect can remain forever" - Nothing Perfect Remains, Jordan King-Lacroix
"Smiles and her laughter, she's the only thing that I've been waiting for." - Emily, From First to Last
"If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end" - Swing Life Away, Rise Against
"The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else" - No Mercy for Swine, The Cherry Poppin' Daddies
"Now you're nothing but a picture and 1000 Memories" - 1000 Memories, Bad Religion
"So you're feeling unimportant, 'coz you've got nothing to say" - Slumber, Bad Religion
"I'm just a loser with no self-esteem"- Self Esteem, The Offspring
"15 years getting loaded, 15 years 'til his liver exploded" - Bob, NOFX
"Deep inside your soul there's a hole you don't wanna see...even though I try I can't get my head around you" - (Can't Get My) Head Around You, The Offspring
"Baby I got you on my mind...you'll never know, how much I need you by my side." - (Baby I Got You) On My Mind, Powderfinger
"There's a place for us sitting here waiting for the sun, and it calls me back into the safe arms that I know" - Waiting for the Sun, Powderfinger
"Who's next?" - Who's Next?, Tom Lehrer
Second (I think) LJ Poem (ed. it was like the 5th)
big night last night,
(you know)
heavy falling waters
endoftheworld rain down noisy crash
on a bus i can'
t get on for the sake of the
payment
i wondered why i was bothering to
see
you
a twisted turning confession
in the recesses of my mind confirming i was
blind to the things that lay inside
we talked
and wined
and ate
and played
and ended u
p
on
the couch
with my hand behind your neck and your
hair over
my hand
i leaned you in close to me and you sure didn'
t pull back
our lips almost met but they didn'
t and that'
s almost what made the (non)kiss better
a tease of the lips and almost touch of the tongue
the look in your eyes and the
shine in mine
forehead to forehead we lay bizarre
encircled by inappropriateness
i remember you when you were young
and you remember me the same
i would watch you when your parents were away
and now you'
ve grown into a beautiful young woman
and it sure feels strange to know and see and be on the couch
lying down with you and almost kiss you in a way that...
i'
m going home,
walk me through the rain?
and you do.
Interesting Old Blog Entry
Insomniac Thoughts from Last Night (29/3/2009)
I sit in the dark of my room, the dull flow of my desk lamp of the page as it hums its florescent hum. I look out over the darkened cityscape of the city I'm now forced to call home. Not that I'm sad about it - the ensuing months will be filled with joy, I'm sure - but it wasn't home. I think of Marcho and how I'll likely miss his 21st - unless I can think of a clever way out of class and to earn enough cash to get home. The darkened McGill campus stretches out before me and the streetlights glow like four-pointed stars against the glass of my sealed window - safe from the negative degree temperatures outside.
A giant red sign says, towering over the other buildings. The trees are still leafless, lifeless, brown stems connected to the earth waiting to blossom in the coming spring - a spring that ever seems to want to come. I find it strange to think that I have so little time left in this room of mine - apartment 301 - in this house; a house once full of strangers and now full of friends; family. A cheesy and cliched sentiment, for sure, but truthful nonetheless. I miss home but not in the way I thought. I miss the people, the knowing, the security, not the land - just the familiar. My stomach sinks a little and I cough. A strange and educational trip this has been. And here I am, pen scratching recycled paper at 3:30am because my brain won't sleep and I keep coughing.
Scratch scratch scratch goes the metal nib against the page and marks are made, like magic, stained with ink. But the words aren't magic - just the ramblings of a brain over-excited and unable to comprehend how life brought it here. This fortune! I want nothing more than to sleep. Maybe I just needed to get all this out and I should do this sort of thing more often.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
- C.S. Lewis
I sit in the dark of my room, the dull flow of my desk lamp of the page as it hums its florescent hum. I look out over the darkened cityscape of the city I'm now forced to call home. Not that I'm sad about it - the ensuing months will be filled with joy, I'm sure - but it wasn't home. I think of Marcho and how I'll likely miss his 21st - unless I can think of a clever way out of class and to earn enough cash to get home. The darkened McGill campus stretches out before me and the streetlights glow like four-pointed stars against the glass of my sealed window - safe from the negative degree temperatures outside.
Hilton
GARDEN INN
GARDEN INN
A giant red sign says, towering over the other buildings. The trees are still leafless, lifeless, brown stems connected to the earth waiting to blossom in the coming spring - a spring that ever seems to want to come. I find it strange to think that I have so little time left in this room of mine - apartment 301 - in this house; a house once full of strangers and now full of friends; family. A cheesy and cliched sentiment, for sure, but truthful nonetheless. I miss home but not in the way I thought. I miss the people, the knowing, the security, not the land - just the familiar. My stomach sinks a little and I cough. A strange and educational trip this has been. And here I am, pen scratching recycled paper at 3:30am because my brain won't sleep and I keep coughing.
Scratch scratch scratch goes the metal nib against the page and marks are made, like magic, stained with ink. But the words aren't magic - just the ramblings of a brain over-excited and unable to comprehend how life brought it here. This fortune! I want nothing more than to sleep. Maybe I just needed to get all this out and I should do this sort of thing more often.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
- C.S. Lewis
Stuff from Old Blog
Draft: Friends
I wrote this poem by closing my eyes and just writing because my chest and head hurt and I needed to vent:
i don'
t know how it happened
it just did
some things happen that
way
you know?
one minute we'
re in the doorway and then
bam
in the next room
door closed
don'
t know how it
happened
still don'
t
just happened
some things happen
that
way
you know?
what are we doing
what are we doing
ewhat are we doigng
awhat dre we doign
euhgiueu we...it doesn'
t matter!
panting i looked over
and
smiled
and i just couldn'
t stop and now i still
can'
t i just couldn'
t believe it
you know?
just one of those things
just happened.
heart pumping
beating
heat from everywhere
just one of those things
that happened
you know?
friends
friends friends fierends
fiends friends fiend sifend firend
fired firedn friend fire red fired
friend friend friend firnen dmf
]frined friends?
rolling across through the
doorway
and into the next room
light
soft
sweet
kisses
"nice", she said
jacket falls off
clothes gone
bed
"stay there and stay warm
i'
ll be right back?"
into the bathroom
i wrap myself in her blanket
and she gets back and she'
s smiling and she is so pretty
and then she comes over and we
just one of those things that happened
you know?
friends.
she came to my bed later that
night
just to cuddle
and we slept
it was nice
been a long time
you know?
just to hold and to kiss
and to smell and to...yeah
is it weird that i get
jealous?
Twist: My Brother Is Gay...
my mum: justin (my bro) went clubbing with [insert ex-girlfriend's name here], apparantly she's bi now
me: oh, she's been bi forever
mum: oh, and i wanted to give you some news. well, that would've made an interesting threesome
me: oh...oh mum...oh...gross...geez
I wrote this poem by closing my eyes and just writing because my chest and head hurt and I needed to vent:
i don'
t know how it happened
it just did
some things happen that
way
you know?
one minute we'
re in the doorway and then
bam
in the next room
door closed
don'
t know how it
happened
still don'
t
just happened
some things happen
that
way
you know?
what are we doing
what are we doing
ewhat are we doigng
awhat dre we doign
euhgiueu we...it doesn'
t matter!
panting i looked over
and
smiled
and i just couldn'
t stop and now i still
can'
t i just couldn'
t believe it
you know?
just one of those things
just happened.
heart pumping
beating
heat from everywhere
just one of those things
that happened
you know?
friends
friends friends fierends
fiends friends fiend sifend firend
fired firedn friend fire red fired
friend friend friend firnen dmf
]frined friends?
rolling across through the
doorway
and into the next room
light
soft
sweet
kisses
"nice", she said
jacket falls off
clothes gone
bed
"stay there and stay warm
i'
ll be right back?"
into the bathroom
i wrap myself in her blanket
and she gets back and she'
s smiling and she is so pretty
and then she comes over and we
just one of those things that happened
you know?
friends.
she came to my bed later that
night
just to cuddle
and we slept
it was nice
been a long time
you know?
just to hold and to kiss
and to smell and to...yeah
is it weird that i get
jealous?
Twist: My Brother Is Gay...
my mum: justin (my bro) went clubbing with [insert ex-girlfriend's name here], apparantly she's bi now
me: oh, she's been bi forever
mum: oh, and i wanted to give you some news. well, that would've made an interesting threesome
me: oh...oh mum...oh...gross...geez
Old Blog Entries Again
One Minute Romances
In the light of the past few days - which have been a downward spiral in my otherwise jovial mood so far (it's gotta happen SOME time) - I have realized some strange things about my life here at the moment. (ed. names have been changed)
First, to last night. Brian had his cousin, Katherine, and her friend, Lena, over to stay for a day or two. Last night, Brian, Lena, Katherine, Linda, Bob, Rizzo and Synthia and myself decide to head out on the town for some drinks. I didn't really want to go out because I was in one of those moods where I knew I wouldn't make good company, but finally I obliged because I couldn't concentrate on my readings anyway, and I might as well be out having fun, rather than inside not reading and being sad. So, off to Gert's (the local pub on campus) for some drinks. Brian, Rizzo and Synthia head off first and the rest of us hang at home for about 45 mins finishing our pre-drinks before we head off. By this point, Katherine is very keen on me coming out with them. We eventually leave and go to hang at Gert's. The night progresses well, and Katherine and I are playing footsies under the table and eyeing each other like mad - woo for me. But wait, there's more. Last call is heard and we decide to leave for another bar - now, initially, I don't want to go back out, because I'd had a disagreement with Linda and I was already in a bad mood, but after some talking (and a significant amount of pulling on Katherine's part of my shirt) I decide to head out - leaving Bob on our couch, asleep. We hit The Mad Hatter's and we drink some more - Katherine and I continuing our coy game, but this time a little more overt to one another. Eventually, Linda, Lena, Katherine and I head up stairs to play on the stripper pole, and they eventually leave, leaving Katherine and I together. We hook up. She says she quite likes me and wants to...well, you get the idea. We decide to stay out a little and then we'll go home and meet in my room - cool. We stay out, and there is some touching - whatever. We get home, and we arrange to meet in a certain place so no one finds out - but BAM! in comes cock-block best friend and your loveable narrator is alone for the night. Aided a little by Bob, whose earlier comments on Katherine convinced her to reconsider hooking up with Brian's friends. So, me not happy.
Today, I'm better-ish and I head to class as normal, do everything as normal. After my last class, which Babs is in, as we leave I ask her, "What're you up to now?" and she replies with, "I guess I have to talk with you."
"I know what that means," I say and smile.
She cringes, "Yeah...I'm sorry. We had a big spark, and it was fun and I like you very much, you know that...but I have someone back home and...I just can't do this...shot thing right now...we will still have a spark on stage, and maybe something will happen later, we'll see...but we can still be friends, yes?"
"Yeah, don't worry...it's ok." I'm still smiling, "Well, see ya later."
"Ok, bye then." And I leave.
I got preemptively dumped. Haha.
One minute romances - I can't stop having them!
Philosophy of Life
"You should be as alive as you can until you're totally dead." - Dylan Moran, "Like Totally"
In the light of the past few days - which have been a downward spiral in my otherwise jovial mood so far (it's gotta happen SOME time) - I have realized some strange things about my life here at the moment. (ed. names have been changed)
First, to last night. Brian had his cousin, Katherine, and her friend, Lena, over to stay for a day or two. Last night, Brian, Lena, Katherine, Linda, Bob, Rizzo and Synthia and myself decide to head out on the town for some drinks. I didn't really want to go out because I was in one of those moods where I knew I wouldn't make good company, but finally I obliged because I couldn't concentrate on my readings anyway, and I might as well be out having fun, rather than inside not reading and being sad. So, off to Gert's (the local pub on campus) for some drinks. Brian, Rizzo and Synthia head off first and the rest of us hang at home for about 45 mins finishing our pre-drinks before we head off. By this point, Katherine is very keen on me coming out with them. We eventually leave and go to hang at Gert's. The night progresses well, and Katherine and I are playing footsies under the table and eyeing each other like mad - woo for me. But wait, there's more. Last call is heard and we decide to leave for another bar - now, initially, I don't want to go back out, because I'd had a disagreement with Linda and I was already in a bad mood, but after some talking (and a significant amount of pulling on Katherine's part of my shirt) I decide to head out - leaving Bob on our couch, asleep. We hit The Mad Hatter's and we drink some more - Katherine and I continuing our coy game, but this time a little more overt to one another. Eventually, Linda, Lena, Katherine and I head up stairs to play on the stripper pole, and they eventually leave, leaving Katherine and I together. We hook up. She says she quite likes me and wants to...well, you get the idea. We decide to stay out a little and then we'll go home and meet in my room - cool. We stay out, and there is some touching - whatever. We get home, and we arrange to meet in a certain place so no one finds out - but BAM! in comes cock-block best friend and your loveable narrator is alone for the night. Aided a little by Bob, whose earlier comments on Katherine convinced her to reconsider hooking up with Brian's friends. So, me not happy.
Today, I'm better-ish and I head to class as normal, do everything as normal. After my last class, which Babs is in, as we leave I ask her, "What're you up to now?" and she replies with, "I guess I have to talk with you."
"I know what that means," I say and smile.
She cringes, "Yeah...I'm sorry. We had a big spark, and it was fun and I like you very much, you know that...but I have someone back home and...I just can't do this...shot thing right now...we will still have a spark on stage, and maybe something will happen later, we'll see...but we can still be friends, yes?"
"Yeah, don't worry...it's ok." I'm still smiling, "Well, see ya later."
"Ok, bye then." And I leave.
I got preemptively dumped. Haha.
One minute romances - I can't stop having them!
Philosophy of Life
"You should be as alive as you can until you're totally dead." - Dylan Moran, "Like Totally"
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